This blog has been a long time coming…
The idea for this project had been floating around and making small appearances in my mind’s eye for more than a decade. It was a variety of things; a t-shirt business, a handmade greeting card business, a self published book, a community based art group, a retreat, and more recently, a blog. Most of these ideas never actually became anything more than a pile of post-it notes. For years that pile grew and traveled with me from one flat to the next. Then in 2007, tucked into a box in the back a U-Haul, the pile of post-its moved from Halifax to Ontario. The pile never resurfaced after the move; lost somewhere between here and there. The ideas written there, however, still clung to the corners of my creative mind.
What I have come to realize about that pile of post-its is that all those ideas represented a larger desire and a need to belong to a community, this was what was at the core of all of those ideas. Sitting here today, writing this, I am aware that the desire and need has not changed. When I was a couple of years deep into a six year stint as Stay-At-Home-Mum, the need for community became infinitely clear. The difference this time was my willingness to explore and to develop this for myself; while being brave enough to do so. I recognize that my desire to be a better – the best – version of myself stems from wanting to set a healthy example for my daughters. But, I also want to be the best partner I can be to myself and my mister. So, not only is this blog a long time coming and very much overdue, it also represents the beginning of the next chapter, a chance to redeem myself in my own eyes, to set better examples and to grow and evolve. I’ve been waiting to be ready for this one, I see that now. And, here is where I hope to discover it, at least in part.
Fast forward a few years; the ideas firmly rooted into the very depths of my creative mind…
Becoming a parent was a transformational experience, which truly goes without saying for anyone who has experienced this. I became a parent in my mid 30s. I spent my adult years, prior to parenthood, exploring life, relationships, self-identity all the while creating an autonomous life separate from my biological family. At 19 years of age I went half way across the country with $20 in my pocket, to someplace new and found I had the freedom to become whomever I wanted to become. So, I did just that; gaining amazing experiences with amazing people. I was finding out who I was and what I good at. Until, as things go, I lost my way. Childhood trauma had patterned into adult trauma and the truth of my self worth was exposed and manipulated. In the end I found myself back in my home province, living in my childhood home, seeking refuge and repair. Many years of therapy and the most patient, considerate and kind human have been instrumental in where I am with myself today.
The birth of my daughters stirred many feelings I harboured as a child. During this time, hindsight and therapy had provided me with enough information about my trauma which allowed the healing process to happen more readily. Still, years of thoughts and intentions and desires about who I wanted to be came flooding to the surface. Without forewarning, I felt like the universe was confirming all that I truly felt about myself. Becoming a mother was outing me as the fraud of a human being I secretly felt I was. It was overwhelming. But it was also highlighting the many areas I was struggling with; who I was, what I wasn’t doing, what I should be doing, how I should be doing it, and on and on and on. I had come to understand how truly unhappy I was and how my perception of self (squandering my potential and living falsely for others) had become my reality. My self-esteem was already shaky, and my self-worth was reliant solely upon external factors. It became clear that my path to happiness lay within healing and dealing with my the history of my trauma and patterns learned therein.
It’s time to get real…
The truth is that I have needed this outlet since the idea first made its appearance 10+ years ago. I have been skirting it since then as well. It is here, within this blog, that I can actually support change for myself. That change for the benefit of me and my mental well being, my partner, my daughters and my community. It will be a challenge; an active reset, but I am calling upon the vulnerability, accountability, honesty and kindness that exists within me, to support me.
The vision for beholdher.life…
To create a space to be when I need to carve some time out for me. A space where my writing can become a priority again, where my creativity is granted time and freedom. Where thoughts and ideas can meet words and intentions. Where once-idle fantasies and daydreams can begin building the reality of my tomorrow. This is my platform to begin again, another step into the next chapter.
The Basics of This Journey:
Mine is not an original story, but it is mine. My previous actions and the reactions to my interactions with others were actions informed by my past. My willingness to approach and rework this is in response to my future.
I need a space to write and share, a space where I am aligned and free to be, to wander, to wonder, to revel, to feast and to love. Here is where and how I hope to find myself, my purpose and my community. Help me create a space that is safe, where voices carry and are encouraged to gather and grow. A space where anything is possible!
POST SCRIPT – There it is; my first ever blog on my first ever website! The story of how beholdher.life came to be and the introductions to my new pathway of being; learning how to navigate the process of loving and living my authentic self and finding my way home.
Thanks for reading, really.
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